I was born in the summer but I never feel like it belongs to me. Every year I have the same undefined, bullshit goal of what I can best describe as feeling fully embodied by my birthday in late July. I inevitably fail at this. Whatever I expect of myself is the opposite of what I actually feel like in the summer, which is like a work in progress and a bit of a mess, transitory and introspective. I am never settled in the summer. But the season demands I present myself, overstimulated and laid bare.
I'm 13, bleeding in the back of my grandparents' camper on a forced tour of eastern US landmarks. Cramping and bloated and frizzy and hot. Routinely pried out of the hot van into the hot sun to visit the Lincoln Memorial or to dip my toes into the Atlantic. Scrupulously photographed. They are my directors and my audience. Later they will examine the photos and dissect the angst on my face.
Every year I hope to be a summer tomato ready to pluck from the vine but every year I'm too underripe and also too overripe.
Do other people feel like they should be ready to harvest in the summer/by their birthday/at all? It seems fucked up when I write it down.
I identify with the fall. Cool dampness and fog, fog, fog. All I ever want to do is breathe in fog. I try to keep summer at arm's length. Summer is brash and hot and everything moves too fast. Summer is not ideal for examining and collecting and preserving. The heat makes things spoil and you have to be quick or you'll miss them. I am not quick and I miss things.
This summer I have been doing alright. I felt good in June and slightly less good in July so far so I'm splitting the difference. I have shorts that fit (2 pairs). I have not been tormented with thoughts that I could be comfortable if only I were just a bit smaller. I'm reading books outside and they feel like summer books and it feels good to go outside and read them. I'm looking at birds with my new binoculars. Some of them are only around in the summer. I have eaten a lot of cherries. "This is the last week for Rainiers!" I have spent a lot of money on cherries but that is the price I am paying to make the summer mine.